On Presence and Grief

It's important to acknowledge that whatever pain you experience is important. I've created or used exercises which I often share and hope will be/are helpful for others.

I also recall one thing that was eventually helpful for me was not to fixate on the idea of "getting done" with grief as if it was something I can finish if I try hard enough.

(It took a long and tumultuous time for me to arrive at this point of view so hopefully the insight comes sooner for you, reader.)

Instead, I came to realize that it's important to recognize it exists and engage it when the time seems appropriate. This is like learning the terrain on foot even though you already know what's on the map and roughly when or where it's all at.

I also found I have choices in the density of other experiences and emotions I can engage, and drew a reference from Brian Chesky's account on how for him, the depth of saddening moments didn't change after AirBnB became a success, but the frequency and volatility did (around this mark from a 3 hr fireside chat).

Basically, you can have a role in adjusting--facilitating the density/frequency of your experiences. Sometimes they're subtle but can yield Buckminster Fuller's "trimtab" effect.

I believe--even as someone looking from the outside with limited understanding about your experiences--that when you look at the patterns for what you're doing, you'll see the trajectory is positive even if it's rough and mysterious. In my experience, there's a degree of awe inspiring strength that comes from seeing it clearly which you'll carry forward.

Resillience notes from 10/16/15

I'm putting the whole thing below as a block quote. What struck me is that people shouldn't have to rely on the internet as a place to come to terms with their own challenges, and for support. At the same time, Mr. Worth's

By

Fred WorthVerified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness (Paperback)

I agree with the comments about this book. I have the book and a couple of his other ones and I learned from them, they were my first knowledge of what trauma could do. I want to make a specific trauma comment and since the author has helped me alot what better place to do it!

At age 60 I am finally and only recently past the terror of early, continuous and prolonged childhood abuse because of the healing work I have done on my own. I recommend books and techniques from Alice Miller, Peter Levine (of course!), David Berceli, Babette Rothschild, EMDR, EFT, PARTS/EGO STATES work, NLP. I am a little leery about unsupervised guided imagery and meditation because they can be so close to dissociation, I sure did.

My comment is that with early abuse in whatever form the child has to create coping and defensive mechanisms to be able to survive mentally. These PARTs then prevent the child from growing naturally like all children should. As an adult these PARTS drew me to abusers and perpetuated actions which continued to retraumatize me. I didn't know any better.

People who experience trauma as adults can use the techniques the author describes and those listed above to get back to normal. I have come to the awful realization that I have no NORMAL to go back to! My former desires and reasons for living no longer exist. They were based on avoiding reality, lessening the pain and terror, and plowing through dissociation to be able to function. While I don't have the terror anymore I am still trauma parallyzed (Freeze, surrender) as I have been for most of these 6 decades and I don't have the NORMAL interests and motivations which would help me get past that. "I" do not exist.

My hope from this review is that this Catch 22 can be added to trauma discussions. I don't know what can be done to create a resource or if there are even more people like me out there.

I guess a correlary is to emphasize the need to help children who do experience trauma, as early as possible. (Another of the author's books.)

First, go read & listen to this documentary piece on poverty and networks:
http://stateofopportunity.michiganradio.org/post/when-you-live-poverty-how-do-you-create-network http://nationswell.com/devone-boggan-ons-reduce-murder-rate/
There's an excellent book called "deepening community" @RadioJenG, your @StateofOpp piece & @alexaclay's neotribes initiative connect well. There's a great book called "Deepening Community" I think it explains how fellowships and curated networks have powerful appeal now. http://www.deepeningcommunity.org @RadioJenG @StateofOpp @alexaclay

https://newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you

Hubris & Humility in healthy proportion

Worlds of difference through a subtle shift of statements. From one sided opinions to "Here's what I understand (100% confidence). Humble me kindly where I'm missing the details (humility for a margin of error)."

Try writing or speaking with that in mind or at your meeting and let me know how it goes.


Greetings from a suburban Meijer cafe at 01:24 in the morning this January 9th.

Stakes is High[er], Gun Violence & Complex Systems Thinking

STAKES is HIGH[ER], GUN VIOLENCE

Every time there's a mass shooting, the line "gun control means using both hands in my land" comes to mind from De La Soul's song, Stakes is High[1]. The possible reasons for the shootings get more nuanced to respond to also.

Decades later, the problems they describe in their lyrics[2] are still here, Despite releasing the album with perspective from Brooklyn in 1996. The big difference is that I (probably you too or we) know more people who are working on solving those problems head-on, some of us even working on it systemically. At the same time, the stakes is high[er] even for discussing these issues.

I know responsible gun owners, including law enforcement officers. I know someone who survived terrorist attacks in the Nairobi, Kenya mall massacre. I know a people whose friends and family have been shot and killed from neighborhood violence here in Michigan. I have friends and family who served in or work with the military. I wish they'd all meet.

I look at gun violence incidents from three levels:
1) Social
(environmental, social, and intentional factors + alternatives via conflict resolution/transformation--what leads up to the event? What is the policy really designed to change in society?)
2) Access
(e.g. rigor & duration of training, ownership, and access to ammunition in Switzerland differs from the US despite similarly high per capita ownership)
3) Capacity
(details about high volume clips & magazines, lethality by caliber, etc.)

Knowing "complex systems thinking" science helps me make sense with "wicked problems" like a mass shooting (or any jarring and political issue). I hope it might be helpful for you too.

COMPLEX SYSTEMS THINKING & WICKED PROBLEMS WITH CAKE

De La Soul's paradoxical grammar in the track's title reflects our relationship to complex events: the risks, stakes, are actually many but as individuals, we live with and look at all of them as a singular entity, the stakes. To get a feel for the science of complex systems thinking: think of a cake.

Eggs, flour, sugar on their own or even added together don't make good cakes. When you mix and bake the three ingredients just right, new characteristics (magical chemistry in your kitchen!) emerge and you get a cake. That's an emergent property or outcome.

We think of the cake, not the all the ingredients and work that goes into them.

A mass shooting is the outcome of the three elements multiplied together.
Without one, it won't happen. That's an easy conclusion that's obviously unfeasible: people have reasons for owning/buying guns, many of which are reasonable and legal, some illegal and not enforceable, etc.

However, we can and do safely navigate and reduce the risks associated with each layer.

I'm certain most contentious debate around a fuzzy concept like "gun control" will revolve around misunderstandings between one or all three elements I outlined above.

Mass shootings are a wicked problem--it's like trying to decipher ingredients by untangling a [wicked] cake that's already been baked and eaten. And by the way, talking about these "wicked problems" at the dinner table or on facebook posts is often frowned upon because a concrete conversation is challenging to facilitate in reverse: the topics will continue to branch out with complexity and people tend to get lost in details essential to ingredients without context for the rest of the process. 

Or, we tend to debate--championing one reality over the other failing to seek where both views come together in a way that works beyond compromising.

Going back to the cake metaphor, this is like trying to choose flour vs. eggs in order to make the body of the cake. You need both, not one or the other, and together a better outcome with new characteristics can emerge.

WHAT CAN/WILL YOU DO?

For now, I think it's better to learn and do focused on improving your life and the lives of others too--peacebuilding relies on very simple (not always easy) skills to navigate complex circumstances. Sharing a meal with neighbors, evaluating conflict with reason, are all within our purview.

As a quick exercise (try answering within 2 minutes--maybe write it down then ponder further later:

1) When you encounter something uncomfortable, how do your behaviors affect interactions with people around you?

2) Assuming every behavior might have a benefit when in the right context, how might it be constructive when applied in other areas of life (at work, in the neighborhood, through government, etc.)?

3) At what point does it become less effective in those environments, and how?

[1] Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj-vPcCfQ6k
[2] For the lyrics, prescient and not quite what you'd hear at the dinner table: http://genius.com/1652793

Coping with tragedy

i humbly reach out today to ask how each of you are dealing with the tragedy facing our world.
in particular, i’m overwhelmed by the Paris attacks, shootings in the U.S., plane bombings, my wife’s mother’s sever depression, Jake’s passing, and the lunacy of Presidential candidates. not to mention the suffering i see and hear in friends and acquaintances on a daily basis.
i’ve lived without a TV and haven't visited News websites for 7 years. recently, i’ve been visiting people with TVs and now i sit in a coffee shop in Upstate NY that’s non-stop “Breaking News” with video of people being carted away on stretchers. i’m getting nauseous and physically overwhelmed by what seems to me a concentration of suffering. is it because i’ve been sensitized by not tuning in everyday? or are others feeling overwhelmed by the seemingly incessant tragedies? are we under attack by fear? how do i cope?
one personal response bubbled up: find a deserted island and move there, build a small compound, and a large wall. y’all can come.
if that’s not probable, what mindsets, practices, inspiration — or lack thereof — do you use daily to grow resilience in this seemingly tragic world?
with love,A

Hi A, Thanks for sharing how you feel and mustering strength to seek support--the key items that really opened my mind and confidence in what people can do despite oppressive or overwhelming circumstances emphasize putting events in the world and what we can do about them into perspective.

Here's a compilation of what I use/developed for myself and often share with others over the years and now up to current events ranging from personal to a broader systems thinking approach:

[personal] 
(1) Embrace an experience/event with a mindful approach to gratitude 

1. Receive and accept what’s given from reality—choose to embrace some aspect of it or the experience as a gift in your own reality (the parts of life you have domain/agency over)
2. Consider what the gift does for you
3. Consider what the gift says about the giver and situation
4. express heartful thanks
   [emotionally sincere to the giver/situation--if the situation is very ambiguous, try to make it very tangible, rationale will follow below in #4]

[existential](2) "You always have choices, even at the moment before death" -my mom supposedly quoting from a marine

Resolve to broader or principled commitments in life, and that we have opportunities to live moments that are a culmination of our choices. I ask/answer three questions to myself:

1) what are 3 choices you can make right now?
2) what is the courageous choice?
3) what are you willing to die for?

It might be counterintuitive and you don't have to share those answers, but it makes a wildly emotional and complex mystery a bit easier to relate to when you frame it in the strategic positive.

[paradigmatic](3) Clarify your relationship to the problem on a systemic level & vice versa
How you can make meaningful impact or intervention with the overarching issue from where you are.

From there, try to collaborate with others (teammates is a great place to start) since I guarantee someone else in the world is also thinking about the same thing from another angle.

[systemic](4) I'll also point you to systems thinking, the notion of "Structure & Agency", and risk governance for navigating complex challenges--no need to get too caught up in the details, it its heart, the two feed into one another:

Structure (environment, institutions ,etc.) influence individual behavior.
Agency (you! your community & capacity to leverage/mobilize it) can influence Structure (the environment).


If music and stories make it easier to remember, there's also the phrase "emotive mechanics":
https://medium.com/hocma-the-science-of-the-heart/emotive-mechanics-in-east-detroit-23a9272d85a1#.ef6kkaq73

It's easier to explain rather than read but here's a guide--also the rationale behind tangible acts for gratitude:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6ZWASyBqmHHcGFyVkxWNTEyYTA/view

On recent events, I've mixed feelings about sharing super widely or among acquaintances as it's an early-stage mix of exercise for myself & outreach experiment. Here's how I thought about gun violence with intent to intervene on a systems level--having ways to look at or even frame something as a problem implicates that solutions exist for resolving it: https://iandtran.wordpress.com/2015/12/04/stakes-is-higher-with-cake/

I'd be glad to chat or do a hangout if you'd like to talk. Be well, we're here for you, and take care of yourself in any case.
Ian D. Tran

This Clay Jug

THIS CLAY JUG
by Kabir

"Inside this clay jug there are canyons
and pine mountains,
and the maker of canyons and pine mountains!

All seven oceans are inside,
and hundreds of millions of stars.

The acid that tests gold is there,
and the one who judges jewels.

And the music from the strings
that no one touches,
and the source of all water.

If you want the truth, I will tell you the truth:
Friend, listen: the God whom I love is inside."

...


Initially shared the above with a friend, for full context it was originally found here a month or two ago in the comments section for a book:






"The 15th century Indian poet and mystic - Kabir - writes of what is in all of us, what is in you, Fred Worth ---- unrealized through no fault of your own, but there as potential. Here is Kabir's great poem, "This Clay Jug." We are these "clay jugs."

http://www.amazon.com/review/R3VY0JIQYDRLWQ/ref=cm_cd_pg_pg1?ie=UTF8&asin=1556439431&cdForum=FxN2T2ONSPK7E7&cdPage=1&cdThread=Tx2PFRJFFVZ9DIA&store=books#wasThisHelpfu