Gifts from Glenn Sunich and the sun

I met Glenn Sunich at the first talking circle I joined about a month ago. It's raining cleanly--the kind that cools and freshens the air--with full sunshine outside just as I begin to write this.

Glenn was generous with his presence, even if he was on the phone away from us during the majority of the talking circle--the person on the other end was someone he supported on and off for 3 years who had considered suicide. He was working through his own challenges, and he offered his support, encouraging me to know I could call at any time to talk or ask for help as well. Before we left, he taught me a native left-handed hand shake and explained its significance. I walked away comforted knowing someone's willing and available to talk to me if needed and was equally grateful that someone would openly share his way of greeting me as if I were a member among his tribe.

Today, a few weeks later, I returned to the talking circle and learned from another member of the circle who briefly mentioned that he recently passed on.

Glenn's generosity and presence is rare and will be missed. At the time, I came to the talking circles wondering what to do about my tendency to stop caring about my lifespan--more accurately, trying to figure out why I'd want to do more than get by with caring for myself at a minimum.

I knew I needed to make it to the next day and live in the near-term, and I knew the way I lived wouldn't help in the long-run. My suspicion was that there might be a time when others might seek help and I'd be capable of doing so if I'm still around.

Even from briefly meeting Glenn and his offer to help, I now have a clear understanding for why from the other side of life.

As the rainfall slows to a silence, I imagine being present with this is an appropriate way to honor his passing. Life is fleeting, the consequential legacies of a life endure.

Cherry Bossoms and Caring

Life is fleeting, our consequential legacies endure.

(plum blossoms-close relatives to the cherry)

Plum, cherry--close kin.
Blossoms celebrated, fruits
consumed. What's next?

and yet, they're just flowers... why would it matter if they're going to bloom again after a few seasons?

The only answer I can think of is that they bloom because something or someone needs or cares about their presence. Bees will rely on them for food, the trees co-evolved with pollinators and consumers to yield fruit.

Similarly, when considering life with the same question I wonder: why would it matter to look that far forward when something or some other generation will have its place? Why when some people won't live for that long anyhow based on the current trajectory of their lives?

I wonder because those are the same questions I ask myself. I'm hoping one answer comes from acknowledging sobering facts about how other people chose to live or die, and if they didn't get to choose, at least how they hoped to.

Some people died believing that their work and death would help provide others a better chance at testing their gifts in the world without premature threats to life.

Some people come from communities where their friends died before finding a chance to make it past their neighborhood block before turning 28, 27, 24, 23, 21, or even reaching "adulthood" at 18.

I know some of those people. They're the person who I could sit next to at lunch during high school before he'd get killed in Afghanistan four years later as a Corporal in the US Marine Corps. They're my friend who was the first to leave his neighborhood in the western reaches of Detroit, first to graduate high school, and then earn his college degree while several of his friends and family got shot or incarcerated along the way.

I see some of my privileges, one of them is living. Even when it's hard to go about living, knowing that others care about life puts any effort into perspective. However, I wish people didn't have to rely on the deaths of others to grasp compelling reasons for living.

The cherry blossom's petals fall at the peak of their splendor. In somber interpretations, the cherry blossom stands as metaphor for life. But it will only matter if someone or something finds it and might care enough to make sense of it. It's part of a bigger community than itself.

Life is fleeting, our consequential legacies endure. Whatever the ethical decisions and religious frameworks you choose to take up, keep it in mind, then let it run its course.

...

Side notes & snippets I recently wrote elsewhere:
I think it helps to consider the symbolism behind cherry blossoms and their significance to Japan too--some sombering interpretations look at them as a symbol for life and inevitable death--samurai often held it in close regard as a way to examine and make sense of their own lives and work. Where a choosing worthwhile reasons to die. Celebrate its presence, know that it in itself does not last. Life is fleeting, the consequential legacies of a life endure.

It's worth noting the amount of coverage on suicide suddenly appeared in one day from rather different media streams:

Further discussion on mental health and suicides in the business world:
http://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/how-to-survive-your-darkest-days.html?cid=sf01002

Subtleties among people who at first glance seem well:
http://espn.go.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/12833146/instagram-account-university-pennsylvania-runner-showed-only-part-story

Suicides in the Lakota nation
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/11/opinion/suicides-on-an-indian-reservation.html


Support exists, even alternatives to the prevailing mental health system. There's a lot of nuance but send me a message and I'll do my best to further share my thoughts.

Many people staffing the hotlines are also capable and willing to help you in figuring out next steps or getting into better situations:
http://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy

"Getting beat up does not make you a better fighter"

Getting beat up does not make you a better fighter
In most of my experiences, if there's clear focus and deeper reason for doing something, any harm experienced should become a minor if not negligible concern. When I focus on what I genuinely wish or strive to do, the fears that hint to potential injuries from failure tend to get outweighed by the experience.

At the same time, courage doesn't always remind you which direction actually brings you closer to living your own life on a better path--whatever "better" means to you. Which is where it can be easy to commit yourself to terrible situations for the sake of trying to withstand whatever you can because you think you're doing the "right" thing.

I benefited from growing up in circumstances where "Tighten up your defense, stay relaxed, and avoid as many shots as you can until the fight is over." was the only realistic way for operating intact around people who were two to seven times your age or size. I sometimes used the "go out like a warrior and die on your shield" approach from time to time. Regardless of the approach however, it was really challenging to realize the situation was always a losing one.

Johnny's articles on boxing interest me because he takes an insightful approach with very intentional and intensive experiences. He applies wisdom garnered from ballroom dance to boxing rings. He looks deeply into fight strategy and tactics, and like the below excerpt, there's typically something worth learning about life outside of boxing.

Getting beat up does not make you a better fighter


Sure, it MIGHT make you tougher. But it also MIGHT make you a more psychologically damaged fighter. Your ego can only take so much abuse before your self-esteem is damaged. I can bet you right now that the most confident fighters you see in the gyms are probably not going to be the most beat-up ones.
Often, the reason why fighters are scared of getting hit is because they’ve subjected themselves to getting hit hard. They’ve somehow made up in their mind that they need to get hit hard in order to learn how to fight.

-Johnny Nguyen

I'm not sure where I stand on how Johnny looks at self-esteem in this case--I suspect that recovering that might be possible even if it takes a lot more work and time.

One thing I'm sure about is that I wish I learned this earlier in my life--it applies beyond fighting in a ring. It certainly would have spared me a lot of pain and confusion.

Odd ironies for reducing unnecessary injury:

Today (I'm finishing this post on May 11th/12th), Chayn Labs published a "How to build your own domestic violence case without a lawyer" guide I helped develop. The intent is to help people (the organization was focused especially on women, but it applies to anyone) put themselves into healthier situations.

Here I am contemplating Johnny Nguyen's boxing advice about skillfully losing fights and overcoming punches that upholds the importance of smart self-preservation.

To an extent, some physical injuries are a bit easier to deal with: with good fortune, you can assess and understand what needs to be done to heal or adjust accordingly.

It's not about feeling hurt that matters, anyone willing to face life will know that happens. What matters is when someone doesn't know what to do about the pain, doesn't know whom to look to for help, or not knowing why something's wrong that keeps people in a world of hurt.

Emotional injuries, the deep kinds that darken your outlook on life and the world for years when left unchecked, needs honest perspective from wherever you can find it.

Getting beat up does not make you a better fighter.

Don't get beat up anymore than what's necessary for doing what you need to do.

Get up, get out and [figuratively or if necessary, literally] kick ass in the world.

FYI, no photographers were harmed in the making of this picture.
The photo was taken in good fun--a roommate intended the wood for
windchimes, I couldn't resist using them for a Bruce Lee-esque moment.

Resources cited

How to build your own domestic violence case without a lawyer via Chayn Labs and friends (myself included--you're welcome to reach me if you have questions and I'll try to direct you to support as feasible):
http://chayn.co/how-to-build-your-own-case/

How to lose a fight skillfully:
http://www.expertboxing.com/boxing-strategy/boxing-defense/how-to-lose-a-fight-skillfully

Johnny's perspective on overcoming the fear of getting punched:
http://www.expertboxing.com/boxing-training/mental-training/how-to-overcome-your-fear-of-getting-punched

Johnny Nguyen: http://www.expertboxing.com/about-johnny-nguyen

In a way, I sort of regard him as a big brother even though we've never met. Perhaps it's because he grew up in a similar part of California where I was briefly raised (before memory), I can easily imagine how boxing might have become my primary art rather than music had I grown up in the area longer.

Empathy for a nation, parameters for trauma

Two things for consideration:
When the capitol of Yemen fell to extremists, my mother pulled her car over to the side of the road and sobbed. For the first time since 1975, she remembered and could feel all of the events on her exodus from Saigon to the United States extremely vividly.

She also empathized deeply about Yemen's fall on another level as she immediately thought about the safety of any US citizens still in the embassy who'd probably have to destroy documents before they evacuate. As communists came into South Vietnam's capitol, my mother and grandfather had to burn all of their books, papers, and photos for several nights with blinds and windows closed to hide the fire and contain the smoke.



http://www.historicaltrauma.com/


http://thefederalist.com/2015/03/24/microaggressions-and-trigger-warnings-meet-real-trauma/

"How would you feel if you sent a friend a message and they did not bother to respond?"

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." - Mahatma Gandhi
I've got my blind spots too--I'm certain there are people I try replying to and don't quite connect because I'm working through my own issues.


Also, it depends on how important the message/context for the message seemed. If they made it seem important, then communications went silent even after you tried to follow up, and you find out they blew it off, then yeah I think a reckoning and then some's in order.
Here's how I think I'd try approaching it:

If they've made the effort to reach out, to reply again, or at least try to be responsive to your concerns, great. Forgiveness isn't the same as forgetting: "You are not condoning or accepting [their] behavior if you forgive [them]. Instead you are making a choice not to allow hurts from the past to steal your joy in the present and in the future."

1. When you choose to respond the same way without explanation, it can be abusive and perpetuate the same behaviors that irk you
2. Don't assume anything beyond what's in your own reality
3. If it really matters, call them out on it for the facts only and create an opportunity to amend the issue

I appreciate that you reserve judgment. I'd hope a friend does with me as well and takes the courage to speak up when needed as it helps everyone become better people too.

If they repeatedly don't choose to engage and resolve, it toes the line for being abusive. You did what you need to for your sake, theirs, and maybe anyone else who might encounter them. Allocate your priorities accordingly.

Be the best person you can be, if you did your part then it's on their conscience to reply. I think spiting a person without warning is petty and emotionally immature if better ways to clearly address the problem exist.

I'll also disclose that it's tough even for me to read my own guidelines and hold onto them. I've recently been in a similar situation with a lot of people who didn't reply to me. That said, it's what I wholly believe so I'm sticking with it.

Marshall Rosenbaum

A great peace builder passed away last week. Very few people even knew, and at least by birth, he was one of Detroit's own. Marshall Rosenberg went from teacher to interfaith theologian to pioneer conflict transformation with "Nonviolent Communication."

If you seek conflict resolution beyond transactional (tit for tat) and domineering (I'm right, you're wrong/I win) relationships, he was a living practitioner through all his actions.

How? By simply addressing what people fundamentally need, figuring out how to make it happen together, and acknowledging how we use language and our ways of teaching often rely on punishment and coercion.

Marshall diffused tribal disagreements and got people to see each other as humans, building understanding between Palestinians and the US, or in physically exercising active nonviolence by restraining an attacker without causing harm. I've only witnessed his work through video and story. I also still have a hard time getting over the fact that he uses puppets in his presentations. That said, I have a lot of respect for someone who vocally makes a conscientious effort to take time to help people understand basic needs, feelings, and openly admits to at one time being willing to say "do it my way, or I'll kick your ass."

• (S.H.) When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
• 
  

  (P.S.) Because doing the right thing is a fragment in the pool of corruption that plagues the fields of ever society's institutions.

• (I.T.) S.H., that's when you do things right in small steps without involving people in taking them. If part of doing it right necessitates the participation and inclusion of others, they can look back to the journey as much a part of their own as it is a part of something bigger than themselves.

  
  
• (I.T.) P.S., when was the last time you made something meaningful for someone? When was the last time you made something meaningful with someone? What was it like? Is it likely they'll fondly talk about it again in the future?

  
  I'm willing to believe the process of making started from putting together fragments or formerly scattered pieces. They could be fragments of your imagination, or cooking ingredients throughout a kitchen which came from different parts of a grocery store, which came from different parts of the world.
  
  Except the fragments you work with when doing the right thing don't break when genuinely curious, deeply educated, and empowered people genuinely engage them. Even if it's a meal or other fleeting creation, people can and will speak about their memory of nourishment for years to come. If people are empowered to make doing the right thing a clear, practical, and compelling alternative, it wins and people stop putting up with crap.
  
  That's a legacy in itself that won't get washed away in the cesspool. You just need to know where to find and how to make those little miracles happen.

Alcohol Poisoning and First Response

They don't teach first aid for alcohol poisoning in the Boy Scouts. Nor did I learn it in lifeguard training. Last night I encountered an unconscious young man with all the signs of alcohol poisoning.
However, I didn't know what alcohol poisoning looked like.

A group of young Chinese National or Chinese American students struggled to hold up a ragdoll-limp body by the street outside a night club as I passed by.

I came up asking if he was okay and met with hurried tones of assurance: "he's fine... everything's okay!" I gave a questioning second look and walked on.

It wasn't until a few people in my group mentioned it wasn't right for someone to be unconscious, that it was symptomatic of alcohol poisoning and needed medical attention that I turned around to re-engage the Chinese/Chinese American  students and prompt them to seek professional medical attention.

Strangely enough, the person in my group who recognized alcohol poisoning actually knew how to check on an unconscious person, down to recognizing how much alcohol dissolved in the blood it takes before one can smell it as a sign of serious dehydration.

In retrospect, it's a form of first aid, and certainly not a form I had ever thoroughly prepared for before.

I motioned for us to carry him into the night club where it was warmer so they could wait for an ambulance there.

Knowing what you know in a situation, what's your responsibility?

For anyone who wants to know, here's what to do if you come across someone too intoxicated for their own good:

http://www.alcohol.org.nz/alcohol-you/how-be-safer/first-aid

http://www.princeton.edu/~oa/safety/alcohol.shtml